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Sunday, February 26, 2012

If the Oscar Nominees Were Beers

Yet another time-killer while you listen to Julia Roberts babble to Ryan Seacrest. (Some movie descriptions stolen from Moviefone).

The Descendants
The movie's about a man who loses his wife while negotiating a deal that would turn over a huge parcel of pristine Hawaiian land to developers. George Clooney plays the lead, the descendant of an old land-owning Hawaiian family.

The beer: Primo, a brand that was originally brewed in Hawaii in 1897 but which has dubious Hawaiian credentials.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Moviefone: Based on the novel by author Jonathan Safran Foer, director Stephen Daldry's post-9/11 drama follows the journey of a nine-year-old boy as he attempts to solve a family mystery. Two years after his father is killed in the September 11th terrorist attacks, the curious boy discovers a mysterious key hidden in a household vase and begins an exhaustive search for the matching lock.

The beer: None. Nine-year-olds shouldn't be drinking beer.

The story of a young boy trying to survive in a Victorian-era Parisian train station is hijacked by director Martin Scorsese's love of old movies.

The beer: Au Baron Cuvée des Jonquilles. A rough approximation of what the beer of the time would have tasted like--without the 18-hour boil times and coolships.

Midnight in Paris
Owen Wilson is a dreamy writer who finds a curious node of time travel that allows him to strike up friendships with Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald, and Salvador Dali in the 1920s. Gertrude Stein edits his novel and he falls in love (as one would) with Marion Cotillard, who pines for the Belle Epoque.

The beer. Absinthe.

The Help
Moviefone: "Based on one of the most talked about books in years and a #1 New York Times best-selling phenomenon, 'The Help' stars Emma Stone ('Easy A') as Skeeter, Academy Award-nominated Viola Davis ('Doubt') as Aibileen and Octavia Spencer as Minny--three very different, extraordinary women in Mississippi during the 1960s, who build an unlikely friendship around a secret writing project that breaks societal rules and puts them all at risk. From their improbable alliance a remarkable sisterhood emerges, instilling all of them with the courage to transcend the lines that define them, and the realization that sometimes those lines are made to be crossed--even if it means bringing everyone in town face-to-face with the changing times."

The beer. Foothills Sexual Chocolate, another product that makes you feel very uncomfortable about how race is being treated.

Brad Pitt plays Billy Beane, manager of the hapless Oakland A's as they try to build a competitive team from the money they find under couch cushions. Pitt relies on the brain of doughy Jonah Hill to deploy math and solve the problem.

The beer. Session Lager. A cheap, working-class beer that outperforms much more vaunted rivals and is tasty on a hot day at the ballpark.

War Horse
Moviefone: "From director Steven Spielberg comes 'War Horse,' an epic adventure for audiences of all ages. Set against a sweeping canvas of rural England and Europe during the First World War, 'War Horse: begins with the remarkable friendship between a horse named Joey and a young man called Albert, who tames and trains him. When they are forcefully parted, the film follows the extraordinary journey of the horse as he moves through the war, changing and inspiring the lives of all those he meets--British cavalry, German soldiers, and a French farmer and his granddaughter--before the story reaches its emotional climax in the heart of No Man's Land."

The beer: I don't know, but good god give me a lot of it so I can stomach this dog of a movie.

The Tree of Life
An incomprehensible, wandering epic from Terence Malick the critics were too embarrassed to admit they couldn't understand. After Brad Pitt raises him with koans of manlihood, Sean Penn heads out on a search for life's deeper truths.

The beer: Sierra Nevada/Dogfish Head Life and Limb.

The Artist
A nouveau silent film, no doubt just the first in Hollywood's latest trend, in which a French silent film star is laid low by the rise of the talkies.

The beer: It's 1929, so: a homebrew.


  1. War Horse would best be accompanied by something from Starkey, Knight and Ford.

  2. I suppose The Artist could now be champagne, too--it took home the gold.