Best New Year's Hangover Cure

I am regularly asked, "Jeff, what's the best hangover cure?" I suppose my years as a blogger and my trustworthy look incline them to think I'd know the answer, and you know what?--they're right. I have spent years working on the best formula, poring through medical journals and running trials here at home. While there may be a little fine-tuning left, I am prepared to go public with my own cure. Follow it, and I guarantee you'll have no troubles.

• Carrots. Researchers in Auckland were the first to stumble onto this important building-block in hangover prevention. Beta carotene, it turns out, binds to blood toxins, preventing body absorption. There is a slight downside: you must eat at least two pounds in any 12-hour period to gain the benefit, but with juicing and roasting, this can be a tasty proposition!
• Wind sprints. Also important in the fight against hangovers are endorphins, those neurotransmitters responsible for calming sensations. A two-decade longitudinal study at the University of Nairobi has demonstrated the link between endorphins and lowered hangover levels. I recommend wind sprints as a way of quickly producing these. While running up and down your driveway on New Year's eve may provoke some curious glances by dog-walkers, you'll be happier in the morning.
• Neil Diamond. Interestingly, hangovers may be as much as 89% mental creations; external causes generally contribute only a small amount of the toxic load you need to avoid. While music in general can be beneficial, neuroscientists at the University of West Calgary found amazing results in brain wave orientation as a result of the brassy baritone of Neil Diamond. Or perhaps the jazzy, nostaligic hooks are responsible. No one knows for sure.
• Aromatherapy. While recordings of Neil Diamond alone produce remarkable outcomes, when coupled with aromatherapy, the results are astounding. The most effect scents are those produced by burning tires, but since this is unpleasant, lavender can be substituted with near-equal efficacy.
• Avoiding alcohol. The link here is weak, but I thought I'd mention it. Anecdotally, many people have found a connection between alcohol consumption and hangover. We won't know more until the research is in, but every hangover cure has a certain measure of folk wisdom. Anyway, it can't hurt.
  

A lot of people drink on New Year's eve because it promotes sensations of euphoria and conviviality. Fortunately, I have discovered that a nice carrot binge followed by wind sprints and the soothing effects of Neil Diamond and lavender oil is every bit the equal to a Tom Collins or an imperial IPA. If you employ my five-part plan, I can virtually guarantee you great results. Good luck (and happy new year)!