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Friday, December 31, 2010

Best New Year's Hangover Cure

I am regularly asked, "Jeff, what's the best hangover cure?" I suppose my years as a blogger and my trustworthy look incline them to think I'd know the answer, and you know what?--they're right. I have spent years working on the best formula, poring through medical journals and running trials here at home. While there may be a little fine-tuning left, I am prepared to go public with my own cure. Follow it, and I guarantee you'll have no troubles.
  • Carrots. Researchers in Auckland were the first to stumble onto this important building-block in hangover prevention. Beta carotene, it turns out, binds to blood toxins, preventing body absorption. There is a slight downside: you must eat at least two pounds in any 12-hour period to gain the benefit, but with juicing and roasting, this can be a tasty proposition!
  • Wind sprints. Also important in the fight against hangovers are endorphins, those neurotransmitters responsible for calming sensations. A two-decade longitudinal study at the University of Nairobi has demonstrated the link between endorphins and lowered hangover levels. I recommend wind sprints as a way of quickly producing these. While running up and down your driveway on New Year's eve may provoke some curious glances by dog-walkers, you'll be happier in the morning.
  • Neil Diamond. Interestingly, hangovers may be as much as 89% mental creations; external causes generally contribute only a small amount of the toxic load you need to avoid. While music in general can be beneficial, neuroscientists at the University of West Calgary found amazing results in brain wave orientation as a result of the brassy baritone of Neil Diamond. Or perhaps the jazzy, nostaligic hooks are responsible. No one knows for sure.
  • Aromatherapy. While recordings of Neil Diamond alone produce remarkable outcomes, when coupled with aromatherapy, the results are astounding. The most effect scents are those produced by burning tires, but since this is unpleasant, lavender can be substituted with near-equal efficacy.
  • Avoiding alcohol. The link here is weak, but I thought I'd mention it. Anecdotally, many people have found a connection between alcohol consumption and hangover. We won't know more until the research is in, but every hangover cure has a certain measure of folk wisdom. Anyway, it can't hurt.
A lot of people drink on New Year's eve because it promotes sensations of euphoria and conviviality. Fortunately, I have discovered that a nice carrot binge followed by wind sprints and the soothing effects of Neil Diamond and lavender oil is every bit the equal to a Tom Collins or an imperial IPA. If you employ my five-part plan, I can virtually guarantee you great results. Good luck (and happy new year)!


  1. I've a good one too, but unlike yours it begins before new years day. You fill a 'mass stien' full of water, and a pint glass full of apple juice, you make a peanut butter sandwich and pop some paracetamol (sp?) on the side of the plate. put all these things on your bedside table *before you go out* and you have a recipe for a good morning

  2. Gee Jeff... AT least you didn't get scientific and give up any real cures for a hangover or explain what causes a hangover... Nice bit of useless information.

    Frickin' Neil Diamond!! I think only works on women over 50 and Gay men of any age. Which one are you?

  3. "Avoiding Alcohol" works but is out of the question!

  4. Wow, Doc, you are the most humorless troll in all of trolldom.


  5. @jeremy

    ...and what does that make you? The DICK troll keeper?

  6. What makes a Dr Wort hangover go away?

  7. now girls behave or there will be no party for either of you

  8. Dr Wort Hangover Cure

    Menudo - A traditional Mexican dish, made with beef stomach (Tripe) in a clear broth or with a red chili base. Usually, lime, chopped onions, and chopped cilantro are added, as well as crushed oregano and crushed red chili peppers. According to Mexican mystics and high standing cholos, Menudo heals the head with the rising vapors of the chili's heat... The Lime and Onions sustain the Liver, and the Tripe rejuvenates the Human stomach lining.

    Lava Ash Enema Sessions - The lava ash absorbs all the toxins in your body. It is advised that you fill an enema bag with a quart of Finnish Spring water mixed with Northwest Volcanic Ash. Insert and fill owls with Ash/water mixture and purge. Repeat 5 times.

    Barbara Streisand's Christmas album - Because.... Well... It's a Christmas miracle in itself. Why not see if it works on your hangover.

    Dog Farts - Known to increase the gag reflux with the most noxious aroma ever created by an animal who prefers to lick it's ass. Helps ya purge the post party chicken strips, mac-n-cheese and Jalapeno Poppers remnants .

    Hair of the Dog! - Can't be hungover if ya just stay drunk! A couple good belts of Ancient Age or Old Grand Dad will wake ya up and knock out that throbbing head in about 30 seconds!

  9. Frickin' Neil Diamond!! I think only works on women over 50 and Gay men of any age. Which one are you?

    You can also substitute Tom Jones, though the efficacy falls among American subjects. However, if you're English, nothing beats Tom Jones.

  10. Tom Jones is Welsh. Does it work on the Scottish and the Irish too?!

  11. I'm a believer in a hot shower and fresh air. Papazian says something in his book about how a shower clears your skin of toxins or some such thing.

    The worst thing to do is lie indoors in the dark, as attractive as that sometimes sounds.